Thursday, December 31, 2015

Let bygones be bygones

Today is the last day of 2015
Can't believe that 2015 is coming to an end,
at last, and so soon...

I have shed too much tears this year, I guess...
(don't compare it to those times when I was still a baby)
unhappiness, sadness, happiness, excitements,  I would say I have went through a hell lot of emotions this year

It is a year where God has decided to give me some lessons
I learnt to be more mature, tougher, stronger...
Not gonna type a post about Him, I guess it is enough, I do not wish to bring these sadness to the new year! let whatever that happened in 2015 stay in 2015...
enough of mourning...
Despite the fact that I went through a break up in 2015, I have created a lot of amazing memories too! Had my first solo backpack, had an amazing time in the UK, met a lot of great people etc
2016 shall be a brand new year, a new start, another exciting year ahead!
A year where I find happiness, find myself, be amazing!

Thanks for family and friends, for being there whenever I needed you guys
I am not a person who express a lot, I do not want my love one to be troubled by my problems...
I guess that is how I am, so when I cannot endure the sadness anymore, I will lost control and have an emotional break down, and I am glad that you guys are there with me!

so yeah, life isn't that bad right, more positive vibes!
I still have you guys around...
can't deny the fact that I still miss him, but I believe that I can still lead an amazing life or a better life without him by my side!

Hence, another post for NYR!
I guess I did most of the stuffs I listed down for 2015 NYR =) Great!

1 Be happy, truly happy, find yourself, find happiness, love yourself, enjoy your single life, let go!
2 Build my career, what kind of future do you want? Get a job, work hard, work smart
3 Be healthy, sweat it out! Full marathon in your list if it is possible! Perhaps, some hiking too
4 Hopefully, a backpack holiday in SEA
5 Readings, this is in my every year list, as usual, I wish to be able to read more! (been reading a lot during this holiday)
6 Be patient, be more mature, learn how to handle some matters in the proper way
7 Be an attractive woman! Haha~ I need to improve myself in all aspects! Fighting!
8 Cook/Bake, improve the skills! hehe~

I guess this list is kinda short and brief,
I just want to be a happy and simple woman =)

Bye 2015, Welcome 2016

Saturday, December 26, 2015


I wish there is a delete button in life so I can delete all the sadness. This will never happen and such button does not exist, so I need to deal with it. Life is full with ups and downs and this year, 2015, it is a year where I learnt how to be tough and how to deal with a break up.

Decided to hit the unfriend button and 'delete' everyone who is related to him. I hope I will recover sooner through this way. Sorry for being selfish, to those who are not involved, for those who are innocent. You hurt me deeply, even it is more than half a year since the break up. I cannot believe that you still have such power/ ability to influence my emotions! I feel dumb and I have decided to pick up myself and get rid of you! 

No point of being friends, no point of maintaining this friendship. From strangers to lovers and back to strangers. I guess this is how things work when one is feeling too hurtful. Perhaps one day I will recover 100% and perhaps there is a fate to be friends again. I never know what is the universe's plan for me. For the time being, I am feeling too sad and this is the only way and I have decided to choose this way in order for myself to walk through this break up. 

Promise myself, 2016 will be better! Your life doesn't revolve around him, your life will not be ruined by him.

Christmas Day

It's a sad Christmas Day, a day my tears were flowing down non stop/uncontrollable. Woke up early in the morning for Skytrex and while scrolling FB, found out that he made it official that he is in a r/s. Well, it's not unexpected, I knew the day will come, but it's another story when it really happened! 
And found out that it is not a recent news... It happened some time ago~ so I guess I am the only one who is being stubborn, he has moved on since day one!
Heart tore into pieces again... I thought I am stronger than that, well in fact I am just another crying baby who can't get rid of a guy who doesn't give a fuck on her...
I hope tomorrow is a better day! As a dear friend told me, time to sober up! Focus on ur career! I shall be a better woman, no point of crying like a baby for a guy who will never appreciate you... 
Telling myself Be tough! One day, all these will be some tiny mini matters... 

Friday, December 18, 2015

Hi, It has been almost a year.
This year is too dramatic~
From In a Relationship to Single.
Last year, this time, I was with the 'love of my life', well, I thought so.
He came all the way from Msia to the UK and we celebrated both Christmas and New Year together.
One of the sweetest thing he has ever done for me.
We were so sweet, and the next moment, BAM, let's break up!
It was also the trip that made him realised that I am not the one for him, well, he said that is sort of the trigger point.
Everything came to an end in April, while I was at Lake District with my cousin bro, after a hike to the highest peak in the UK.
Things came to a real end around the mid of May, somehow it was the saddest birthday ever in my entire lifetime.
He gave me all sorts of reasons, and I came back to Msia in July to talk to him.
Till today, I still think that there is only one reason, he does not love me as much as before.
The feelings has changed, and that is why he can no longer tolerate me, he sees all my weaknesses.

It is quite a terrible year for me. 2015 kinda sucks. I went through the first break up in my life. The previous puppy love is not counted. I have been in a r/s with him for almost 6 years. I have indeed fallen in love, deeply I would said. We have been through a lot and I thought he is really the one. Well, life is always unexpected and I never thought of losing him one day, and not during my one year of studying abroad. I do not rely on him a lot but I am used to having him being around me when I need him. A feel of emptiness ever since he has left.

I was very sad, not being myself and truly heart broken. Being alone in the UK almost killed me emotionally. It is one of the best experience ever in my life! Studying in the UK is my dream and I really appreciate my parents for giving me this opportunity. Yet, it is also a year where I suffered a lot due to this heart break. I was pretty drunk during my birthday, or during most of the drinking sessions. I cried non stop, almost every day, eventually it became every week.

I am really glad that after all these dramas, or after all these cryings, I still manage to complete my essays and dissertation! I tried my best to keep these two things apart, my studies and my personal life. I am glad that I made it! No regrets, I really do not wish to repeat the same mistake I did in my degree life.

I signed up for a half marathon and completed it! I made a very random decision by buying air tickets for a trip to Prague and Budapest which turned out to be the best trip ever in my life! A solo trip, first solo trip in my life! something which I have wanted to do for a long time and I did it! It is amazing and I learnt to love myself more. Met strangers and loosen up myself! Freedom!

2015 sucks, indeed it sucks when it comes to how much I have to suffer and how I handled my emotions! However, it is also a year where I learnt a lot and did a lot of stuffs I have never done before! it is filled with ups and downs. I am glad that I survived! no doubt, I do miss him and haven't let go of him entirely but I am feeling much better now! I still cry and being emotional occasionally but I know that I will be fine, truly fine one day!

I am glad that I have a lot of lovely people, friends and family supporting me whenever I needed them. I really appreciate them. I am not used to share my stories/feelings because I know that eventually I am the one who need to face it and no one can help me. Cry all you want but make sure that after the cryings, you will stand up and continue with the route that you are suppose to take! I will be tough, I will be strong! You can do it! You will be a better woman! Do not give up or ruin your life because of a guy who does not appreciate you! Love will come to you when you have learnt how to love yourself.